Thursday, June 16, 2011

WORRIES AND PROBLEMS


Matthew 6:25-ff

"........25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?


27Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:


29And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
30Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
 32(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.



33But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.


34Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
(King James Version)


 
Life is short enough for you to make it shorter!!!!!


IGNORANT OR INNATELY SELFISH?

I am risking writing on something that may make me unpopular or popular for the wrong reasons but let me hope by addressing it from a different angle; you will see it my way.

I am a young African freelance writer living in the internet age. I grew up in town more so in a Christian environment. I attended formal schooling at a time when that was the most obvious step in one’s life. Thus I am a product of the environment I grew up in. Whatever values I hold in my heart and consider to be right are as a result of the schooling, the western cultural ideals, Christianity and modernization as a whole. I expect the same from most of my readers because we are who we are based on the environment we have grown in. But I hope this will reach a schooled African reader of the golden days’ generation. What I need is their perspective on an aspect of our African cultural heritage. 
 
Culture by definition is that complex whole which includes knowledge, belief, art, morals, law, custom and practices, and any other capabilities and habits acquired by man as a member of society or social environment. Goodenough (1957)

Culture as an element of existence is present in nearly every living creature. While men live in social groups, primates don’t walk in isolation, they coexist. While we nurture our offspring a lot and do everything to bring them up in the most excellent possible way, carnivores kill just to protect their young ones. Culture defines what is right and wrong and by so doing dictates how a member of a social group conducts themselves.

Culture is eminent in all human races. It acts as the pallet on which an artist blends his paint. It is the ground on which an athlete trains for the sports career task ahead. It is the school to the western civilization, the informal orientation under grandma’s tutorage by the fireplace, the evening walks to the African and the programming software to a computer wizard.  It is a potter’s mould and the metal worker’s kiln. Out of the process of cultural orientation, a human is born. It is this orientation into the ways of a particular culture that makes us uniquely able to identify with fellow men. 

If every living thing has a cultural existent, are there cultures that are better than others? Egocentrism is a trait present in nearly every one of us. This by definition implies that we consider our culture to be better than other peoples. 

This article is provoked by a paragraph in T.D Jakes’ book REPOSITIONING YOURSELF that I have been reading for the last three months. That is not to mean it isn’t interesting to read. It’s a hell of a motivational piece of Christian writing for those who know what I mean. 

Let me make one thing straight first. I am not a misogynist. I believe that all people have a right to fair treatment. I respect and see sense in the gender equality Jakes advocates for in chapter eleven of his book. This is not Nationalism or patriotism at play since his plot of the chapter is a village in West Pokot District in Kenya but a concern that any other proud African might raise. 

On page 187, he mentions the subject that has generated debate for many years; Female circumcision. If I can quote, “…..Usually, the girl’s mother would then prepare her daughter for her new husband by vaginally mutilating her so that her clitoris would be cut away in what is called female circumcision but looks-as I saw many horrific pictures of it –more like female castration.” 

He goes on to say, “….I later learnt that many girls bleed to death in the bush from these castrations since they are often performed with such primitive tools as goat horns……Admittedly, I come from a different culture and may not understand the finer points of this complex ritual. I also understand that not all aspects of this ritual are performed by unsanitary goat horns in the bush. However, based on my observations, research and extensive questioning of Africans from many tribes, I remain troubled by the way it damages women-creating infection, deteriorating marriages and endangering child birth.”

But one question that has been going through my mind to the point of making me write this article is: What exactly is the cultural reasoning and justification behind the practice? Let me begin by shading some light on how it was done, which communities perform the rite and its global presence, and the vindications behind it. 

HOW WAS IT PERFORMED?
Definition
Defining the practice depends on the standing point of the writer. By trying to be as neutral as possible, I lack a better way of describing it. This is because the practice has been called by many names. According to one of my university professors aligned to the traditional African cultural school of thought, the practice to an ancient day African is the female cut just as we have the male cut while to a western mind, it is genital mutilation.

On the other hand, we have the term clitoridectomy coming into the picture. The reason for the use of this terminology is because the practice is performed on the clitoris which is a part of the female genitalia. It also describes a major part of the process involved in the practice. The types of procedures undertaken in female genital cut can be broadly classified into four groups, ranging from the removal of a small part of the clitoris to infibulations, where the clitoris and labia minora are completely excised or cut out, the wound sewn shut, and just a small opening is left for urine and menstrual flow.

According to the World Health Organization, the practice is more of Female genital mutilation (FGM) because of the fact that the procedures intentionally alters or injures the female genital organs for non-medical reasons.

WHO PRACTICED IT?
While most of the fingers may point at Africa, research shows the practice to be a global concern. According to a publication compiled by Laura Reymond, Asha Mohamud, and Nancy Ali, it is evident that FGM is a global cultural practice. 

The cultural practice has over the years been part of more than 28 African countries, a number of Asian countries as well as some communities in South and North America. The worst form of the practice, called infibulation which is the removal of the external genitalia and the stitching of the vaginal opening - is common to Djibouti, Sudan and Somalia, and also is reported in Egypt, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Kenya, Mali and Nigeria. 

Some countries like the Democratic Republic of Congo and Uganda have a 5% incidence. Here in Uganda, to the Sabiny (people of Kapchorwa Uganda), every young girl and boy is supposed to be circumcised as a traditional rite of passage to adulthood in December every even year.  

The Somali ethnic group in Kenya has the highest prevalence of female genital mutilation - 97 per cent of Somali women have undergone the procedure. In Egypt, 97 per cent of married women aged 15-49 have been circumcised.  In West Africa, Senegal and Burkina Faso are among some of the most notorious for the practice.

Outside Africa, the female cut is performed in Asian regions like Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia. It has also been reported in the Middle East. In Malaysia, it varies from state to state, but it is said that the procedure is generally performed while the girl is in her infancy (usually before her second birthday).

While most of the obvious arguments are based on assumptions that the practice is done in the most un professional and unhygienic ways, the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) recently sounded an alarm against a new trend of female genital mutilation where parents are using health-care workers to perform cutting in the belief that any medical problems of female circumcision can be minimized. There have also been reports of same procedure being performed by doctors in certain medical clinics in Singapore.

If cultural upholding and ignorance to human rights and fair treatment of the women and girls has been the basis for most of the reported cases of the female cut, this new trend raises new concerns. What of the trained medical physicians who carry out the cut with all the knowledge of its harm to a woman’s body?

The Statistical Standings
Statistically speaking the WHO estimates 100 to 140 million girls and women worldwide to be currently living with the consequences of the practice. It is also argued that the practice is mostly carried out on young girls sometime between infancy and age 15 years. In Africa an estimated 92 million girls from 10 years of age and above have undergone FGM. 

According to No Peace Without Justice, an Italian NGO working to eliminate female genital mutilation, there are now between 120 million to 130 million women worldwide who have undergone female genital mutilation. 

However UNFPA estimated 120 to 140 million women have been subject to this harmful and dangerous practice and 3 million girls continue to be at risk each year. The UN World Health Organisation says three million girls per year undergo some form of genital cutting, mainly in 28 countries of Africa and the Middle East. 

THE MOTIVATION BEHIND THE PRACTICE
According to one argument, what seems certain is that deeply entrenched beliefs about gender have played a major role in the propagation of the practice. The WHO points out that FGM is often motivated by beliefs about what is considered proper sexual behavior, linking procedures to premarital virginity and marital fidelity.

One main school of thought is for the idea that female circumcision prepares girls for responsible marriage life. Girls who are not circumcised, it is argued, are immoral, make rude wives and daughters-in-law.
This argument may be put in a different way based on ones knowledge of what exactly accompanies the cut. The girls would undergo some form of training in the hands of elderly women. They were trained into responsible motherhood, faithfulness, how to take care of their men among other domestic issues.  This could be something positive about the rite of passage if clitoridectomy is done away with.

One of the young ladies I talked to argued that failure to circumcise females could be the major factor behind increased cases of restlessness and other forms of immoral behavior among the young generations.  This view point is held by those who feel that failing to talk the young people into responsible sexual life and generally preparing them for adulthood is a cause for the increased cases of divorces and sexual misconduct.

Additional underlying factors for the practice include sociological which meant the practice was a stage of passage for girls into womanhood, social integration and the maintenance of social cohesion.

A more physical biased group would argue that hygienic and aesthetic grounds promoted the practice. Here, it is believed that the female genitalia is dirty and unsightly. This lot believes that sexually it was done to control or reduce female sexuality. Ultimately done to reduce a woman's sexual desire, it is argued that it ensured her virginity until marriage. The more extensive procedure, involving stitching of the vagina, has the same aim, but reducing the size of the vagina is also intended to increase the husband's enjoyment of the sexual act. 

The above reason to me somehow points back to men and their selfish egos. Man has been known to subdue his subjects somehow with cruel means. In a society where the best parts of a chicken were reserved for the man and the woman was considered part of the man’s possession, this cultural practice may have been part of man’s selfish schemes designed to rule over those he considered his subjects.

While there was no major religious connotation to the practice as for the Hebrew males, some believed that it is a religious requirement.

Socio-economic factors range from the cut being a prerequisite for marriage and where women are largely dependent on men - economic necessity can be a determinant to undergo the procedure. The cut may also be a major source of income for circumcisers. 

Other varied justifications include the fact that a girl who is not circumcised is considered unclean in some communities and therefore unable to marry. A girl who does not have her clitoris removed can also be considered a great danger and, ultimately, fatal to a man’s health.


THE EFFECTS
The health consequences of the practice can be severe.  According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the effects can include severe pain, shock, excessive bleeding which can lead to death if not attended to, tetanus in the event that an unsterilized tool is used, or HIV if infected tools are used, urine retention, open sores and injury to nearby tissue. 

In a world where HIV is one of the major causes of increased debates on the need to observe hygienic standards on health matters, this practice can be considered a major blow to efforts put in place to curb the problem.

The reasoning behind this is the fact that the whole world with minor exceptions is on war with the practice. Without the necessary health and hygiene knowledge and a conducive environment to perform the practice, many have resorted to doing it in great secrecy to avoid being lynched by the proponents of human rights crusades.

On the other hand the effects can be long term.  These may include recurrent bladder and urinary tract infections, infertility, and an increased risk of childbirth complications and newborn deaths, difficulties during sexual intercourse, menstrual problems, recurrent urinary and kidney infections, chronic infections of the uterus and vagina, infertility, acute problems during labour and birth, chronic vulva abscesses and difficulty in using contraceptive methods and general sexual dysfunction. 

While some may have been lucky to safely undergo the practice, there are those who have lived to testify of its long term effects. Deaths due to excessive bleeding, inability to enjoy sexual intercourse, post practice trauma as a result of forcefully being subjected to the practice are some of the reported cases.

The many psychological effects include anxiety prior to operation, trauma, and sense of humiliation, sense of betrayal by parents, severe depression, and loss of sleep due to psychological trauma, nightmares and post traumatic stress syndrome.

Unlike before, most of the modern day efforts to carry on the practice have been made via force due to increase human rights sensitization from all quarters. Thus most of the young women forced into the practice have been deprived of a sense of self worth and belonging to the free generation and are left to live a life of self pity and general trauma.

MY THOUGHTS
The research above shows that a lot has been done to shed light and try curb the continuity of this practice. One obvious fact that has been continually underlined is that the practice of clitoridectomy is by all means brutal and inhuman.

But even as we argue against this practice for the obvious reasons cited above, could there be something positive about it? Another question that still lingers in my mind is why exactly is the western world against a cultural practice that at one point was considered an appropriate phase of any young woman’s life. 

Even with the findings above, it still remains clear that not everything reported about the practice is exactly the case. Assuming that some voices in the scholarly world came to the rescue of the practice basing their argument on solid researched facts; would the world see it in a different light?

One factor that explains the dynamic aspect of culture is that culture changes when it comes into contact with another. Each may or may not pick something from the other. While the African customs, beliefs and cultural components are a heritage to some of its people, one may argue that it lost its taste partly when the barrel was pointed to the carrier’s forehead.  In addition to this, exposure and availability of room for comparison and choices led to the loss of ground for its proponents. Salt tastes sour when sugar is brought into the equation.

How else do you explain a situation where a tree hates its roots? And even when the roots are worthless, can’t we see sense in holding on to the ground that once gave life to the tree? Like I earlier tried to exonerate myself, I understand the pain that some of our women and girls had to go through just to be considered grownups. But were there no other ways of doing this? The answer is yes. The practice was not entirely about the cut. A lot of pre practice and post practice issues were seriously addressed. 

Before we fight to completely eradicate the practice, it’s important to find out whether there could be some positive impact in it. This is in the training that the young people were offered just before or after they underwent the rite of passage. When such is known to us, we will be in a position to know what our modern generations are missing out and thus find ways of advocating for the same training.

If we were to come up with a better word for the practice, I think initiation would do. Female Genital Mutilation, Female Castration as Jakes puts it depends on factors such as who is speaking, their background and the target audience. The quotation that led to this article is justified to his American audience. The chapter is dedicated to women and in the arena of mental patronage, one ought to know how to use the right words to captivate your audience and in the long run pay your bills. Calling the practice female castration is a little far stretched and insulting to an African who knows that even if his/her mother is lame, she still is ones mother. While for those who fall in the Female Genital Mutilation mass, could it be the term was coined in the negotiations meetings just as the proposal for funding was being signed by some multi-billion donor company? I am not sure.

Was there anything positive is this practice that was carried on by our people for many years? Still I ask. I am yet to come across majority of Africans that will speak for it. All we have done is remain tongue tied and watch the neighbor call us names trying to make sense of actions foreign to him but part of our culture. When this is the situation, the report given out there to the world is that they walk naked, sleep on trees and are cultureless
.
 I don’t in any way advocate for clitoridectomy but I am just wondering how insensitive our people must have been then if a neighbor had to come to the rescue of our own daughters being strangled by their own male kinsmen in the name of upholding what seems a demeaning culture. Why else should we theoretically define selfishness if we have such a picture in mind? This continues to be the podium on which anti crusaders preach unless it is erased by a proper defense from the elites familiar with the issue at hand.

Even as we bow to the pressure to demonize and stop what we have been doing for many years, don’t we think there should have been an explanation? If we accept without a rationalization, a number of things are clear here; 

One is that the cultural practice and its advocates were quite primitive or selfish and the second thing is that we didn’t know a thing on human rights and fair treatment of fellow human beings precisely our women and daughters. A third clear indication is that the west came to the rescue of our own people. In other words, it’s like a neighbor barred you from killing your daughter in your selfish pursuits of a meaningless and inhuman cultural practice. Lastly, am left wondering, is it then that the phrase Africa being a dark continent was somehow true until civilization came dressed in combat gear and a shepherd’s cloak holding a bible?

In conclusion, Culture according to Edwin Hitchins in his article Cognition in the Wild, is not a collection of things whether tangible or abstract but a process. It’s a human cognitive process that takes place both inside and outside the minds of people. He goes on to argue that a major component of culture is the cognitive process.

This to me implies that the ability to make sense of concepts is part of culture and that concepts considered appropriate in a particular culture change with time. This is in line with the fact that culture is dynamic. Thus while the female cut was an accepted cultural practice among some people, this changed as the mind got exposed to varied external forces like foreign cultural ideals, modernization and Christianity which resulted in a gradual cognitive change which led to the current stand on the practice once cherished. Knowledge being an element of culture thus helps in furthering equality agenda and upholding human rights. That explains feminism in the 21st century.

THE FUTURE
A majority of people will agree and echo my sentiments that female circumcision is no longer a necessity, but a selfish vehicle used by the male species to rule over and sabotage women’s sexual needs. That it greatly affects the status and development of girls and women, and that it is a reproductive and human rights issue is no secret.

But while clitoridectomy greatly serves to pull back efforts to achieve a fair ground for human rights, initiation of our youths into adulthood still remains a key ingredient in every effort meant to empower the future generations and thus secure the future of gender coexistence. Calling the practice Female Genital Mutilation, Female Castration or Clitoridectomy does not substitute the need for an appropriate socialization mechanism for young people to embrace adulthood.

Even in these somehow human rights undermining cultural environments, there still is future for the girl child. There have been countless efforts from governments and humanitarian organizations both local and international to curb this practice and give people a chance to decide what is best for their own lives culturally speaking.

On Monday, 14 February 2011, the UNICEF released a press report on a conference where over 6,000 communities chose to abandon this cultural practice. According to a joint United Nations program designed to eliminate this practice, the number is growing which assures safety for the girl child’s fundamental right to choice of what cultural practices to subscribe to. 

With the commemoration of 6th February as the international day against the practice, this will create more awareness and bring more crusaders on board. With such efforts, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

REFERENCES
http://www.unfpa.org/public/site/global/lang/en/pid/4830
http://www.orkut.com/CommMsgs?start=1&tid=5600316953754255656&cmm=4805256&hl=en

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

FAN OR FOLLOWER

Below is an extract from the second online edition of the Mkristo(means Christian in Swahili) that has left me thinking. The Mkristo is a publication that traces its roots back to 1986 in  Christian ministries going on in the Eastern region of Africa spearheaded by the New Testament Churches of Christ Mission team. 
As Christians we ought to make known our stand on matters pertaining our relationship with Christ.  Imagine Christ asking you the same question, what will be your honest response? 

I almost forgot my promise to have this on my blog but then today I came across a face book update which reminded me of the fan or follower food for thought;
RT: @DannNumber8 I wonder how many of us can see #Jesus' tweets?? Do you #follow Him?
The Shepherd’s Corner


Fan or Follower?
Today, we are living in a culture obsessed with fantasy rides which not only deny common sense, but also have great evidence against what most people in the world believe, observes John Clayton in one of his Does God Exist articles. We are too quick to believe the cross-less gospel that only magnifies carnal satisfaction. Many people who call themselves Christians have no interest in following Jesus. They think Jesus is great, but only if He can meet all their fleshly needs. They are simply His fans. Deep inside them, they have problems with what He teaches.

One of the most sobering passages in the Bible is what Jesus said in Matthew chapter seven. He tells of the day when many who consider themselves to be His followers will find out that He does not recognize them. Being a follower of Jesus means more than merely wearing the name “Christian.” It means being committed to obey Jesus’ teachings in word and deed. Jesus’ teachings were direct and plain. There will come a time in our lives when we shall have to define our individual relationship with Jesus. Each one of us will need to state the nature of our relationship with Him through our level of commitment to Him. At this level, many of us may sadly find out that we are just enthusiastic admirers of Jesus. True worshipers of Jesus must shine His light through the darkness that has clouded this present world. They must be seen to be different. As the saying goes, “If the world has no problem with you, the cross may have serious problems with you.” Followers of Jesus must be those who take Him at His word.

At this point I am compelled to ask you a question. In sincerity, are you a true follower of Jesus or just a fan? The biggest threat we have in the Lord’s Church today is those who are His fans, but call themselves “Christians” or “followers.” They want to be just close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not close enough to fulfill His requirements of them. Being a sincere Christian who honestly does the will of Jesus is a choice that each one of us must make. You will all agree with me that if there is a God, He alone must be the moral standard of our universe. His nature and will must determine what is right or wrong for us. The way we live and act must portray His nature. Let us take this exam one more time: Are you a fan or a follower of Jesus Christ? Your response to this question may determine your eternal destiny.
-by Dennis Okoth, Principal of Messiah Theological Institute (MTI), Mbale Uganda

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

SECOND THOUGHT

Can one experience an emotional illusion?
Can you make real of a likely mirage in the horizon?
I guess you can if time is part of the equation
Who can see what really makes a person?
Are these just so many irrelevant questions?
The eyes are good but they don’t see beyond the skin
You need more than that to see deep within

I call it the third eye,
Aint so physical can’t be seen with naked eyes
I bet you agree people can be sly,
Physical looks aint everything I must say
A smile for a fool and he will stray,
Blinded by what corrupts the third eye
I don’t want you to die young,
The nation needs you cause you still strong
But you got to watch out that you don’t do it wrong

Wamungu is a goddess,
She is fly, they say she should be an air hostess,
You might be tempted to call her your highness
But do you know the source of her flyness?
I’ll try not judge her to maintain fairness,
After all we could be devils when in darkness,
No one is exempted from some form of a mess,

Have I said you avoid saying hi?
That will be a lie,
I only want you to take your time
So that you know if she really fine

Maliyamungu is not your average guy,
He is street smart I can’t deny,
But no one knows it all,
Sometimes people fail
When infatuations lead to lose of self control
What we all fear is an avoidable fall
Like this one instance I recall

He claimed to be struck,
That was his greeting before I could even ask
To be precise he’s been “love struck”,
It’s a kind of a heart attack,
That’s beyond description,
He wants her badly for a heart prescription.
Mmmh, he calls it an attack for a reason
He needs medication

No one has ever died of thinking twice,
For my love struck friend I didn’t sound nice,
His whole self had been enticed

But I love her for real
If only you knew how I feel
How insensitive could you be?

Okay, all right, I get it now,
I also believe in love somehow,
What about her do you even know?
Don’t you wanna take it slow?

Slow?
Just look at her,
So fine no doubt
A beauty noticeable from afar,
Can’t you see I ought to act fast?

Well, I suggest you relax first,
You call it love at first sight
But find out if the feeling will last,
You never know, it could be but lust.

Now I am scared
But deep down I feel you don’t care
I expected you to support my dare
That ain’t fair

You could be stepping on a naked wire
For instance look at her revealing attire,
Step back if life is what you desire
Don’t say I didn’t warn you of the fire
So deadly that it may make you not sire
What if you breathe your last air?
Don’t you need kids to take over when you retire?
There is need to be worried,
I just feel you are getting carried.
I’m only suggesting that you take time to know her
That way you will know who she really is.
I don’t disagree she is a cute miss.
I don’t wanna overlook this.
But take my words seriously please
Or else this good life you might miss

It’s either a safe wire connection,
Or one that will lead to your damnation
Take time and do your evaluation
This nation needs your contribution

Okay, all right, I see sense in your rhetoric,
I think I gotta pause before I be historic,
But if I miss out on this one,
We will be done,
Who knows, she could be the one.
Naked wire or no naked wire, she fine.

Give her a second glance
Since time will have elapsed
May be then you can make the right stance
Trust me just once,
No one has died from thinking twice.
On that we can throw a dice.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

LOVE QUAGMIRE

“When God created you He had me in mind…” is a commonly used phrase among citizens of the love kingdom. Do perfect people really exist? In this regard by perfect I imply people specifically designed for us. The above statement that culminated into an article was triggered by a conversation overheard at a cafeteria recently.

“Hello sweetheart….yeah, I am with Ali having a man talk over some soft drinks…yeah….mmmh. I’ll get back to you …of course I miss you…I’ll see you then. Bye. I love you too.” Jack said over the phone to someone who must have been his girlfriend. “But how sure were you that it was Marion calling? You never even bothered to ask who it was before blurting out your usual intro, hi sweetheart!” wondered Ali who was now leaning towards him as if to whisper.” I know her voice quite well. Why are you asking all this Ali?” Jack asked jokingly as if surprised by Ali’s obvious question.

It was a sun-drenched Sunday afternoon and as usual I had little to do after attending the day’s service at the church in Mbale City. I had visited my uncle for the one week’s end of year break. I was still new in the area with no friends yet apart from my little niece who seemed to be enjoying my company more than I did enjoy hers. Not that I don’t like kids anyway. It’s only that she was hearing from my side more than I did hear from her based on calls of “…uncle, uncle! Please tell me more rabbit stories”

I decided to quench my thirst since it was scorching hot and the attractive cold drinks outside the cafeteria refrigerator were calling for an opportunity to be of help to me. Talk of calls from a wanna-be Philanthropist. Matter of fact my throat was running dry and the little saliva that managed to escape the now almost dry glands could do me no justice. I was extremely thirsty.

Jack and Ali from what I gathered from their conversation were long time pals whose friendship can be traced way back before campus. Jack was this light skinned nicely dressed almost balding gentle man. According to the grapevine that I was a beneficiary of, Jack was in a stable relationship with a fine looking girl friend who happened to be a student at a university in the nearby town. They had been going out for quite some time. What surprised his friend was how these lovebirds managed to stick together against all odds.

“Jack you must be one fortunate guy. I have been looking for my ideal lady for as long as I can remember but look at me. I am in my final year of campus with nothing to show except for the academic papers. Man, I tell you good ladies are scarce. So it’s true that angels went with the prophets’ era. What I don’t know is how I will respond to my grand ma’s teasing question of “who have you graduated with Ali boy?” complained Ali as he sipped his drink while smiling to the last part of his conversation. “Given such a good lady like your Marion, my life would have been complete…” he continued.
“But what happened to Sasha? She is a cute looking principled lady. Furthermore she was so into you?” asked Jack as he tried to cheer up his friend. “Aiii, who would go for that first class gold digger?” came the cynical response. “You know I am not working, dude. I don’t have the money for the ice creams and movies every weekend” he continued. “But I know Sasha well Ali.”Jack persisted in his argument. “She is a good friend of the class spokesperson. She is a committed Christian and attends fellowship regularly. I overheard some guys chatting that she rarely accepts lunch invites and if a dude insists, she pays her own bill. She comes from a well-off family you know.” insisted Jack.

“Honestly I like her but all the same, I just can’t manage her. She is way above my class. Furthermore if she pays her bills then she is the feminist type. Catch me dead going out on a date with that type. Did you just say she is reserved? Wait till she gets caught up with the mid life crisis, she will be all over the place like a sixteen year old who just discovered the word ‘fun a.k.a partying’ on her social dictionary. That is the problem with these so called principled girls. Again let’s face it, who is ready for domestic squabbles as to whose duty it is to cook, change a kid’s diapers or do groceries shopping?” Ali continued the defense. “But I thought you said you don’t have money to take her out…?” interrupted Jack with a light chuckle. ”Women like being supported. A good woman knows how to integrate her man in home duties without necessarily crossing the line. While many complain that there are no ideal men, a good woman knows when she meets a good man and treats him in a way that he will never think of another lady. Where will you run to if at home you have a queen who knows how to nicely treat you like the treasure she considers you to be? I agree that most men have got ego issues but what’s wrong with holding a kid, matter of fact your own kid as your lady cooks? And on the so called mid life crisis, people have the power to chose the kind of life they want to live. We don’t just flow like water on a slope or be subject to wild beast theorem of following the masses.” continued Jack with a tone of irrevocability.

Ali was this good looking guy with lots of stories to share. With a constant smile on his face, there was no way a lady could easily escape the unmistakable charm he displayed. He had the latest blackberry phone money could buy (talk of a guy who is technologically up to date), a cool fitting brown leather jacket, nice cargo pants with a sparkling “peace” labeled wristwatch suggesting taste and style. As if that was not enough, on his feet he wore a pair of jungle canvas kind of rubber shoes. He had a neat Tyson cut on the left side of his square shaped head and a pair of cool sun glasses was part of his almost celebrity-like image. In other words, he had an urban swagger as the young urbanites normally put it. On the table was a bunch of keys which made me wonder whether a car was not in the vicinity. There was nothing to suggest the guy had to hustle for anything in life apart from the apparent predicament he had been endlessly talking about; the inability to find the miss perfect. Money for a lunch date was not the issue here. I just could not tell what exactly the problem was. It is later on that I concluded it had been indeed a case of man chasing the winds.

“Wow, she is too good to be working here. That one is a fine piece of art work but of course not a wife material…you feel me?…a good lady should be…..sometimes, scenes like this makes me feel God must have made man as the rough sketch and finalized His work with the creation on a woman” joked Ali who never lacked words to say in compliment to ladies. The latest accolade followed the coke bottle figured waiter who brought the bill for what the two friends had ordered. No lady passed by without his head taking a turn followed by some whisper and a roaring thunderous laughter. He could not contain his laughter. Maybe it’s true that laughter has medicinal if not therapeutic value. The wanna-be philanthropic was literally bubbling with life.

Within an hour, stories ranged from women, soccer, cars, business and then women again before the sound of Bob Marley’s song ‘’Africa Unite” coming from the phone on the table was followed by; “Now who could this be…?” Ali interrupted a long silence that had now ensued. “I am not in town…I will call you latter…” He abruptly ended a call. “Can’t Shish just get it that I am fed up with her? ...aarggh….honestly I don’t understand these women nowadays.” Followed another complain.
“What is it now Ali… you seem mad at something which I’m not sure about but it must be one of them…right?” came in Jack who had been buried in the day’s newspaper.
“Shish is just being too much. She is so obsessive, nagging and overprotective ….you feel me?.…I hate this in a lady. I need breathing space for heaven’s sake. I won’t be surprised if she hired track-It services for a 365 24/7 surveillance over every move I make.” replied Ali in his usual you feel me trademark.

“So what are your plans for this year’s valentines? You looked out of place in the last one when Marion asked if you had plans for a double date with us” said Jack as he folded his newspaper. “Surely it’s here with us, yet it’s still me, myself and I. But why should there be more and more days to celebrate when there are few, in fact very few good ladies to spend time with? I didn’t have a date for the last valentine and from the look of things, this might pass again. Why do we have Valentine’s Day anyway? I don’t understand why people spend so much on a single day” complained Ali somehow bitterly.

“The problem with ladies is that they grumble that they are being left out of the game as far as fair play is concerned yet they are doing nothing about it. I am looking forward to the days when a lady would walk straight to a guy of her dreams and ask her out. What’s so hard in with introducing yourself, “hi, my name is Miriam and….”what happened to the gospel of equality?”

“Will you ever meet this so called Miss Ideal? If you are waiting for her before you give miss earthlings a shot then you might as well count yourself destined to be a monk till Jesus comes back.
Let me share one thing Mr. Man, there aren’t perfect people or perfect couples out there. None of us is perfect either. We too go through hard times. As Marion likes putting it when we are on the rocks, there is nothing like perfect. If you have this feeling for someone, fight tooth and nail for him or her. Good ladies, just like good men, are not easy to come by and if you are lucky enough to find one do everything that is in your power to ensure that they never leave your side. Relationships are not a bed of roses. It is all about finding that special someone that you will argue with, have numerous fights to the point of breaking down. Then in the midst of all this, you get to a point when something small like a text message gives you this feeling like you are falling in love all over again. You need someone who will stand by you and give you hope even when everything seems so grim and someone who will be willing to go to the ends of the earth just for you. If she is all these to you can you make a move on Sasha?” Jack concluded with a question.

“By the way I forgot to pass Marion’s regards.” Jack interrupted Ali’s ostensibly deep thoughts as he stretched himself as if suggesting they should get leaving. “Now that you are talking of valentines and there seems to be no viable candidate, why don’t you give this a try?” Ali nodded as if in agreement to the idea before throwing in another one of his classics. “Was she not the one in the black tinted BMW that packed at Stella Hostels on Friday?” This was followed by a hearty laughter from Jack as the two stood, picked their bills and headed for the counter to make payment. “You never cease to amaze me. I have an idea, why don’t we talk to Father Walsh and see if he can get you admission into a seminary?” joked Jack as Ali followed the joke with his usual almost deafening laughter.

With no more stories to eavesdrop, I had to find something else to do.

Every woman deserves a good man and the opposite is equally true. There have been debates for many years as to what makes an ideal mate, where does one meet this rare species and what is the assessment criterion. This has been running in many people’s minds when it comes to selection of a suitable date.

According to Robert Coombs in A Value theory of Mate Selection, there are a number of factors that come to play according to social scientists’ attempts to explain who gets to hook up with whom. Coombs in the paper points out to two factors he considers fundamental. He highlights homogamy tendency to be the first of the most striking features in mate selection. He also cited previously suggested theories;
1. Propinquity
2. Parental image
3. Complementary needs and
4. Concept of an ideal mate.

To bring out my argument based on his four prepositions, let me begin by setting straight a number of terms. By definition, values are the principles or qualities by which goals are chosen. In this case the values are the distinctiveness my wanna-be philanthropist is looking for before a candidate qualifies to gain from the plenty that is in his emotional store and other chambers of bounty. Mates are chosen based on a predetermined set of values that act as eliminating factors when a population sample is at hand.

Homogamy by definition is the tendency to chose based on likeness or similarity. This can be having a similar taste on dressing, lifestyle, cultural appropriateness, food, sports and a generally same world view among other things. In simple terms it relates to the proverbial saying that birds of the same feathers flock together. Normally, people who share the same world view have a high probability of striking friendship and or harmony at all levels. In the corporate world for instance, we expect the best results from employees who share in the management’s dreams and vision. While in the day to day life, you don’t discus football or social events if the “friend” in question is a 24/7 365 days indoors computer geek.

Propinquity on the other hand is the physical proximity, nearness in terms of distance and it could also be based on kinship. Kinship could apply to the Indian caste system where cousins are allowed to intermarry. Another good illustration is in college friendships. Some people may attest to living a life of loneliness after college even when they had countless friends at some point in their life. While people struggle to maintain contacts with the scattered friends after college, distance becomes a challenge. It thus makes sense to argue that distance sieves true friends from the impostors.

Some people who may have had a close attachment to their parents as they grew up may consider these influential people as not only role models but taste determinants. It may thus be argued that girls who were close to their dads may expect a replica of the father’s character in the ideal guy. This is also the case with some men. If the mother was an excellent cook, the would-be philanthropist will expect nothing less from the ideal candidate of his good will foundation. This is in accordance to the parental image theory. Parents may end up setting standards for who qualifies and who does not. An abusive and responsibility neglecting father on the other hand helps create a feminism activist out of a would-be wonderful family woman. Men are the worst enemies a lesbian lady is forced to share a planet with when a parent at some point turned abusive.

In the complimentary theory of dating, God created man and woman with the need of each other’s company. This implies He never made them perfect. They still have needs which have to be addressed by the other. This thus validates the famous Biblical mathematics of 1+1 making 1 whole unit. People have needs which they expect the ideal person to address. The complimentary theory may further be illustrated with traits such as patience, anger control, politeness, ability to entertain, orderliness among others that one person may have at the expense of the other. An example is an introverted guy who falls for an entertaining lady, or an impatient, hot tempered guy falling for a polite, soft spoken, patient lady. Other needs could be financial which unfortunately falls here. You may be familiar with the “green card marriages” in the United States. Physical needs, emotional, spiritual among others are also part of what people want addressed by an ideal candidate.

The other factor is one’s concept of an ideal mate. People have their own tastes and this is their concept of what is ideal. You may not explain why a tall lady falls for a short guy, a skinny guy for a physically endowed lady, a white man for a black African queen, a pampered lavishly brought up foreign western lady falling for a ghetto Rastafarian which is a trend among visiting western ladies. The explanation to all this lies in one’s concept of an ideal mate. It could be what presses the attraction button or what tickles your craziest, deepest emotions. Everyone has their own preset conditions that make so and so tick. Some die for the skin colour, others body shape, some intelligence, others sense of humour, morals, principles, beliefs among other traits. This could expound on the values which act as the cut-off mark.

Similarly, as we talk of birds of the same feather, we may as well mention the fact that sometimes the above can be talked of in the light of opposite poles attracting. This is whereby one falls for something that he or she does not have while the object of admiration evidently has it. It’s imperative that I site the male – female natural attraction even though we have had cases of similar poles claiming to attract.

But who is an ideal mate? Do they really exist or is it just another one of those words used in the Holy wood corridors to describe movie characters with specific characteristics. Is it another one of the blindly followed generalized famous description like Tall Dark and Handsome?

It’s true that there are ideal characters in the movie industry. This is why we have movie auditions. For instance, a skinny guy can’t be really suited to act the tough guy, the boss’s body guard or such kind of role. That is true in that particular context. In an effort not to divert from my discussion of an ideal mate, let me pose and ask; are there ideal guys or ladies in the social circles and to be precise male- female relations?

Human beings are wired to relate easily with particular people. That justifies why so and so is your best friend and the other is not. There are people we click with so effortlessly while as much as we try to be nice, some don’t just fall in our inner circles. The same principle applies in dating.

Social relations and precisely dating, calls for compromise. There are no perfect people out there. While perfect does not exist, I strongly believe that ideal does exist. My definition of ideal is what works for you. An ideal date can be someone who sees the world the way as you do. An ideal dating environment is where people accept the fact that you can never have all qualities in another. It’s a question of having all your desired traits listed according to importance and giving room for “not so a must be there” cause in real life, perfect does not exist.

Another perspective of looking at it is to allow for time to be the real tester. While most ladies desire a guy who is well off financially, not everyone is lucky to land a fat pay check first thing from college. This is one of the MAIN challenges some ladies face as far as meeting their ideal guy is concerned. I have seen a lady leave his love just because he was not stable at that time.

Take time to grow together. The problem comes in when we want ready-made food without bothering to know how it was prepared. African wisdom demands that when one is hungry and in need of food, it’s appropriate to go to the river, fetch water, get some food stuff from the garden and prepare your version of a delicacy.
Time is also the key for unlocking the innermost motives of a suitable beneficiary to your love filled, TLC (tender loving care) over flowing brief case. It takes two to tango but it takes time to know if both are into the tango. More often than not, if we are not careful, one could be after the other’s purse, pant among other things.

With time, the once bitter fruit grows into a ripe one ready to give out juice. Given time, a once broke lad can be the talk of town if strings had been pulled in the right direction. For every human being, the sky is the limit. How many are familiar with the sight of a not so well groomed young girl turning into the neighborhood’s blossoming attraction and the talk of the boys once she is back from the university for her holidays? Time has the power expose the underlying potential in every one of God’s creation.

Before you whine of how you have a lot of TLC to furnish while there are no perfect guys or ladies, you should consider picking your words carefully and look around. There could be an emotionally love-starved potential angel you have been by passing all these days. Give chance but have your guards in place. Sometimes we are so much caged by the fear of failure that we forget the key lesson picked while we learned to walk. He who wants to walk must brace himself for the countless number of stumbles as he struggles to find his balance. Confront your fear, live in the real non perfect world and come out of the bitter past, the anger caused by a heart break and give yourself another chance. But as you do this, watch your steps because sometimes people step into ditches that makes life time cripples out of a nations prime generation. I hope you know what I mean.

The world is a beautiful place to be especially when we are willing to overcome our phobia, give people a chance and live each day fully knowing life has no rehearsals as my elder sister likes putting it. Learn to love as God Himself loved and still loves us even with our perfect imperfections.

DISCLAIMER: You are not reading a manual of any kind, this is JUST A THOUGHT.